I don’t ever want to go back to the day after I graduated from college. While there were many things known, there were still the things that weren’t. One of the biggest questions, what would I do after the summer ended? Because at the time, I knew that I would be surrounded by the support of my family, especially my parents. But I also knew that as a camp counselor I would make friendships that would obligate us to say good-bye and go our own way after three months of sharing life together. It was the next four months that brought on more despair and loneliness as I again asked the question, “What’s next?” and “Who’s next?” And then, those question brought on even more questions and ultimately self searching for a life with mission and a hope for purpose. In some ways, I find that today, March 20, is worse. …and it’s only been 20 days!
Because for so long, that has been my life; a life with mission and purpose. That’s what has made me, me. That’s what makes us all who we are. Think about it! Complete 5th grade…go to middle school. Finish 8thgrade…go to high school. Finish high school…go to college. Finish college…enter your career field…make a difference…enter your career field… make a difference. Change (??) your career? Still…make a difference? Do life…MAKE A DIFFERENCE! (and p.s. if you’re in 5th grade, if you’re in 2nd grade, if your retired or on your death bed, MAKE A DIFFERENCE!)
I didn’t want this post to be about purpose or mission though, or even about what’s next, but the more my fingers move, the more it becomes just that. I wanted it to be about the feelings in the journey that bring about purpose and mission that make you see worthlessness and hopelessness because you just want someone to find you, to notice you, to give you a chance to succeed because you know you will…make a difference.
This post is supposed to be about a feeling of contentment that this part of life is right where I need to be and where at the same time I have this feeling of hope that I won’t be here for much longer because I hate it that much. This post is supposed to inspire and encourage you to have pride in who you are and what you’ve done. Because Lord knows, I need more pride in who I am because how else will I be noticed. How else will my resumes and cover letters be noticed?!
And welcome to my one paragraph soap box:
as a Christian, aren’t I supposed to be noticed by my love, by my Christ-likeness? …but I thought that Christ-likeness was humility in knowing who He has made me to be. So tell me, how am I supposed to brag about who I am, about what I’ve done, about what I can do, when it’s not really me, but Him in me? And tell me, how are people going to see me for being good at what I do, if I doubt to show it with pride? Because in me, I know that I am good and determined and dedicated. In me, I know that I can and will make others proud by my successes. But that’s not the mission, that’s not the purpose! It’s to make Him proud and acknowledge that it’s all because of who He’s made me. Yet still, it’s about Him giving me the opportunity to do so.
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I’m beginning to see more purpose as I continue to reflect on my time through the open road in God’s country. I know that I made a difference, everyone assured me I did (and without prompting…because that wasn’t even my question then). I know that others made a difference in me and I knew it more than ever then. And I know that God placed me there in that time to see, that now, I can still make a difference. I see a mission to find the next “thing,” to ask others to search me and see that I am what is needed to make a difference. I WANT to make a difference.
So for the record, I know why I have these feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. Right now, I feellike there is no mission or purpose to make a difference, even though there SO TOTALLY IS. I need to keep relying on that. And all I want is one chance, just one. So pick me, notice me, and for the love of God and all that is good in His world, let me make you proud, but more importantly, for my own soul and sanity, let me make Him proud.
the. end. oh, and in the words of the black eyed peas which I ran with this morning, BOOM. BOOM. POW!
shoot 🙂
