stillness.

I’m a little bit a lot in love with the stillness of night.  I’ve been spending a lot more time with Stillness these days.  My heart needs something to love.  I choose: Stillness.

I did something stupid..a few things stupid I do that a lot, I shouldn’t seem so shocked.  1- I laid down for a nap at 5 p.m. and I’m done fighting the wake.  2- I left my macbook in my car.  All that to say, it was 3:45 a.m. with my mind racing and my fingers urging to move across this beloved keyboard.  My heart longed.  Lately, my writing mojo has a special way of showing up at these odd hours.  So outside I walked to my car with Stillness, whom I love.

Don’t tell my mom and if you’re her or one of my office moms, skip this part… I sat on the curb for a good fifteen minutes…just me and Stillness.  at night.  in the dark.  at 3:45 a.m.  with my phone.  with a certain smile.  with an open heart.  and happy texts.  Ultimately, I sat with an overwhelming desire to keep pushing, to keep moving forward because this. is. working.

My mind started to race with a declaration of confidence, with a declaration of contentment.  I sat there feeling good.  I was joy-ing it up, me and Stillness.  I took Stillness in, and I took in Healing too.  and Growth.  and I even made a little room for Bliss.  Because you know what comes with all that?  I’m pretty sure it’s Happiness.

Here’s what Stillness has taught me about Happiness.  There’s a similarity between Happiness and what happens it life.  It’s just happens.  It’s my choice to make it Happy.  Like last Sunday with those stupid eggs and the laughter that came after tears.  Healing peeked around the corner.  and it just, happened.  I welcomed Healing in for a quick moment and it made me the faintest bit happy.  It was my choice though.  And when I chose it, that’s where Healing rose and where Happiness ran.

As I recollect my choices over the last year that have contributed to this sad brokenness of mine, I can say that these last two weeks have been some of the most difficult days of my life.  But I can also say that facing those days have led me to some of the best productivity I’ve had in a long, LONG time.  What I’ve found in the never-ending hours of despair and hope, is that I don’t like being alone.  Almost, I can even say, I can’t be alone.  But here I continue to go, forcing myself into Alone…kind of.  Because I love what Stillness is doing to me that much.

“Just tell me this is going to be okay.  I’m going to be okay?  I can do this alone?”

“You have great friends and family, you don’t need to do life on your own and you’ll make it.”

That night, my rock bottom night,  I. was. loved.  I was not alone.  I will never be alone.  It started with the life-changer who sat next to me and hand fed me, taking my pulse, forcing red gatorade into my system, he’s still so wonderful.  It continued with my sister’s heartfelt and reassuring words, she picks me up, I pick her up, it’s how we roll.  That love, that’s good love.  So is this.  Lingering phone calls with Heidi and an unexpected couch hug with my Pammy.  Love is a friend that drives 4 hours to make you scrambled eggs because clearly I can’t as you lay in the fetal position wanting nothing but a Savior to save you.  Love is that Savior pushing all brokenness aside replacing it with joy, in his timing.

Love is finding yourself as you blossom into who He really intended for you to be.  Have I found that.  Oh gosh no.  But ask me if I’ve surrendered to that, if I’m finding that…  I’ll answer with more confidence as I say, “I’m trying.”  My soul is trying.

So on another early morning alone…kind of…with Stillness by my side next to Happiness, Growth, Bliss, Healing, and the knowledge and friendship of you you know who you are, and if you question it, I am probably speaking to you, I’m okay.  Just okay.  Which guess what, is o.k.a.y.

I keep on trying.   Grace does not run out so I take it for everything it is and rejoice in the small things.  These things:

 All that I want, is stillness of heart, so I can start to find a way out of the dark, and into your heart.

-Lenny Kravitz