I heard the sweetest message this morning from a woman who traveled a rocky road along her journey of motherhood. These words, “A mother’s heart starts long before conception and long before her child is born…” they’re sticking to me like glue rubber cement.
I laughed a few days ago when I was talking to Jill telling her about how grown up I am– I’ve reached a point where I want children. Not even so much the husband (I mean that would be nice and all)… but the children. I want to know that sacrificial love that is a part of me, to feel joy leap in my womb at my love. I want miracle, inside me. Miracle. And as we were talking, I wondered, when did that even happen?!
Because 10 years ago, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t hold a baby without thinking his head would fall off. Wait, that may have been 5 years ago. And 3 years ago, the noisy child in the booth behind mine was the best birth control ever. And then 2 years ago….I watched one of his miracles take her first breath. I heard her first cry. And I’m pretty sure I was speechless. And I held her so tightly as I hugged her right up to my heart. That was it, it’s where my own mother heart was born…
a few months later another little girl was born. I held her right next to my heart too, and these words actually came from my mouth: I looked at my best friend and said, “I want one.” It’s safe to say we both were in shock.
Sometimes, it’s not so easy, loving Addie this much, or the tiny kids that are so adorable it’s painful. Sometimes, their hugs that are so trusting and loving are the worst thing in the world for this mama wanna. The envy sets in and rips tiny tears in my heart that will only be repaired by the real mama lovin’ that’s being built in my heart. And the trust in who He is and the way He knows my heart is challenged, just a little bit. But then I’m reminded that I’m a woman of faith- and His unending love that has never failed me knows a victory so sweet; my challenged faith is minuscule compared to the great hope I’ve been given…the day will come, I’m still being constructed for this gift….
Somewhere between then, Addie-girl’s first breath and now- this fear has overtaken me, that someday, I might never have children. And I grieve for a child, I have never known. Yet in my spirit, I know that something has happened. And the lovin’ has turned so deep.
So this mother’s day, while I honor my own mother who traveled her own God-ordained motherhood journey, I also want to cherish the one that He is still paving for me. Because I need protection and care, and even ambition as I travel my own road to motherhood…hah, even wife-hood.
but in the meantime. I’ll keep holding this sweet child to my heart. I’ll keep feeling those precious and tiny fingers as they reach for me and my love. And I’ll keep loving this girl who taught me a mother’s love, a mother’s heart, a mother’s passion, a mother’s prayer, long before God has even ordained it…
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