Greatness and Bravery.

There’s this song.  It’s got a happy beat that’s blissful and so euphoric.  So much of that beat is me today…. and then there are parts that beat a little slower, parts that are played through contemplation and meditation.  Parts that move along with the help of this:

reflection.

A couple of months ago, I “re-met” a hero.  The last time we sat together, we were in a van, visiting the land of heroes, the then “new” resting place home of our hero, our brother.  This time, here we were:

His name is Kurt…the brother of my other hero (Buddy), and in so many ways, he’s rising to be the brother-in-law-cousin that I will never have.  Bud, you’re brother is great.  Thanks for sharing him…

We drank to you.  Toasting to your years of greatness, your life of love, and the sacrifice of your bravery that ended all to soon.  We toasted your wife.  and then we danced.

We danced our hearts out..with no rhythm, no cares, just a compulsion to live for you this great life that we wish you were a part of, every. single. day.  We held you with us, the same way we held you when we joined hands the day we said goodbye.

Oh but your hands… oh how I’ve longed for them to carry me through my first real heart-ache, and my second, and my third…  through the triumph of getting a job, and walking away from a job, and most recently–getting into grad school.  My brother-cousin-in-law, you are still, so, so missed.

And in those precious hands that are holding his little-sister-cousin’s heart, I thought I’d had the strength to move on just as sister-cousin has.  But we don’t move on from this man, our hero.  We move forward because of this hero…

We drive the long road of life without you here, yet every part of you there.

And the tears that streamed with grief we’re buried once again as we felt you in the clouds around us.   We watched for you as the wind blew the flag of heroes so fiercly in the breeze.  and we cried the surreal tears remembering, honoring, that you really were ours…It wasn’t about the grief.  It was about living through your greatness and bravery.  

and here’s to your greatness and bravery.

Some memories of you are still too personal to share.  Someday I will, not today.  Because it’s the blissful me that’s thankful for your heart, thankful for your example, and so every bit full of gratitude for you living through your brother’s watch over me.

Then I got home… and the grief returned.  And there he was to speak sweet, sweet words from you to me as I grieved for the umpteenth-zillion time over the loss of you, wishing those brother-cousin-in-law hands could hold me through life.  And as he reached out the way you would so effortlessly do, I was reminded of greatness, kindness, and a one of a kind laughter that had become only whispers to my ears.

And his voice, it’s almost yours.

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Oh but the way you could understand a heart like mine, and now he is too.  Sister-cousin came over last Saturday.  “I know sister.  You have a heart.” and let me tell you about this heart….and about that last blog.  It breaks for the darkness and trials that my loves face.  It longs for the goodness, the purity that is too easily stolen, and it begs to be known as truth, to be understood as reality.

and the support of you here with him, oh it’s just so great.  And the bravery in me rises… to do what’s best for me.

Look darlings, I’m not sad.  Remember it was a blissful song that held a beat of meditation and reflection…

Reflection finds, “those were the best days of my life…”

the best part of my 2012….

Kurty.  Thanks for coming back.  For buckling over with laughter when you hear a story about my dog’s chew toy or for answering to listen to a frustrated and hungry heart that longs for funness and spontaneity but is really in need of righteousness and truth.  Thank you for seeking to hold the heart that he used to during a time when it’s a little too confused.  You’re a good friend my brother-cousin-in-law-in-law.  and I’m so blessed…these can be the best days.

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A special note to you, darlings: thanks for reading my life and for finding out with me that it makes no sense at all…just to be a part of it when it does.  This post is the first half, and one that my heart just really needs to be done with.  peace out.