A couple of months ago Jus introduced me to this ahhh-mazing singer, Josh Garrels. How had I never heard of him?! Because he is legit- my new favorite. Like for realsies, guys… can’t get enough.
Which is why you should start with this:
so just an fyi- that’s NOT actually Josh Garrels, but a cover of his song Pilot Me. But I chose to share that because there is such joy hearing these peaceful words out of the hearts and mouths of children… oh and just soak in their giggles, and just hear the joy… well hopefully hear the joy.. because I am.
Oh my friends, it’s been so hard to find the joy lately. I’m overwhelmed, and angry, and frustrated, and sometimes sad. And the peace and joy have been missing… and I can’t remember when I last felt it. So the rage..it got bad…think brokenness…. (and peeps, I’m serious–I had a pretty raging moment…actually because my mom is reading this I have to be honest and say, I’ve had pretty raging momentSSSSSS over the last few weeks)…. Earlier this week I sent out a mass text message to my other moms just asking for their prayers because the absence of peace was working something terrible in me… and that’s not me.
So I started praying Josh’s words:
I will arise and follow you over
Savior please, pilot meOver the waves and through every sorrow
Savior please, pilot meWhen I have no more strength left to follow
Fall on my knees, pilot meMay your sun rise and lead me on
Over the sea’s, savior pilot me
and as I was, His Spirit started to seep through the cloudy sight my tears had left behind…and I just saw so much of His graces… His truths that I know, but somehow forget to acknowledge. And so I kept on with this prayer, that He would be enough.
And I’ve found that through the constant battle that was building brokenness, He’s brought this joyous restoration through my friends and my aunts, my sister, and especially my mom. I love this quote by Beth Moore “WE are catalysts of joy for one another…”
I hate that I’d become so wrapped up in life outside of them that I’d lost love for Him, and that through it my trust and passion were just a lukewarm faith that could barely find the strength to reach for His arms that have always held me with intimate love…. but my catalysts fought for me…
And I stopped and realized that if I can take the good days from him, there is no reason why I should’t reJOYce in the bad days too (ps yes I know that you don’t spell rejoice with a Y). I stopped praying for joy–left that up to them. And I started praying for peace. Because my life was unbearable without peace–and waiting on Him for joy was just heart wrenching. It came… it came quickly.
I was reminded that Jesus left us with peace– I was just forgetting to take it with me in the discord, the prompting for forgiveness, the plea for more grace, the patience for His provision, the fight for more perseverance….and in all that, I finally realized, I. can’t. do. this. alone.
And that’s exactly why He’s provided for me, knowing my needs and giving me immeasurably more than I could ever imagine– and it’ll keep coming even better than I could ever imagine. Before I ask, He’s giving. Because to Him, my life is more than the overwhelming schedule of grad school, and the selfish dissatisfaction with a room that barely holds all of my shoes, and the rudeness in me that comes out when I have to talk to my parents when I wake up in the morning and come home from school. But He freely gives to needs I’ve yet to identify.
So in the waiting, I forced myself to find the tiniest bit of joy–because the waiting is what fulfills His glory in His will being worked and done. That’s when He becomes more than enough– if I could just open my eyes to see that fullness.
And He doesn’t change my circumstances to make them bearable. He meets me there, beckoning me through doubt just so I can see a glimpse of His glory. So I asked myself in between the countless questions of why and self doubt–how much am I really trusting in His will? How okay am I with His will even knowing that in the end it will bring Him glory? He’s working for my good and in it, there will be glory, and even power, revealed. So I kept praying for peace; I kept praying for contentment as I am looking at the end that is so near in sight (20 days)…and this whole thing of perseverance keeps coming up. Day after day–perseverance (for my good) to the victory.
Revelation: “It is possible to be in intimate gatherings with Christ, hear His teaching, and see His power before our very eyes–and still be lost.”
But I’m not lost anymore– not angry, not weary… He provides, and gave so freely to me through the beauty of perseverance, through a mind that is fighting so hard to stay focused on Him….
I had two choices when I got home from class yesterday, to get into bed at 2:30 to try and get some rest and rejuvenation before sitting down to write yet another paper…. or to try and find rest and solace in the company of one who truly cares for me. He helped me choose the latter. And it was perfect. Many things in life are rarely perfect– but this: it. was. perfect. Because He provided me with every ounce of what I needed. I walked this path that my feet know so familiarly. And I spoke such freeing words as I was sharpened by insight and love. Believe it or not, I was quiet for moments as I stared into His sunlight that beamed through the green leafs that were moved through His breath, a breeze…
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I’m reminded that all is His… we are His. So my feet moved while my heart stilled–and there came Peace. And friends don’t get me wrong, Peace didn’t just show up in the moments that were filled with laughter, and honesty, and humility. Peace is reigning. And this was so everything I needed… and had absolutely no idea that I did.
I talked to one of my friends last night, and she could even sense it in my voice. And that’s just dandy…you should know, I type that with a smile that I haven’t smiled in months: where joy is back, where rage is gone, where hope is grounded…where perseverance is still walking me into victory.
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Last night after the most amazing day of His goodness through his goodness, I prayed the best prayer I have in a verrrrryyyy lonnnggg, long time. And the Spirit moved my words through the pages as my heart wrote something my hand had forgotten amidst the joyless drought. “You are enough.” and this time I meant it. Hah! Oh! and I even prayed this, “Lord, just let me rest here for awhile…”
so I will.
ps. here is the real Josh Garrels song in case you’re interested 🙂
