I slept in today… an entire 34 minutes. I had my eyes closed and offered up a quick prayer that maybe it was 9 am, maybe even 10 because it was that good of a sleep. 6:29. A.M! Okay. And then my mind went racingagain.
- I HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY (YES EVEN THOUGH I HAVE LOADS WAITING TO BE HUNG THAT ARE LYING ON THE FLOOR OF MY CLOSET).
- DROP OFF PACKAGES AT UPS
- TARGET (IF I CHOOSE TO GROCERY SHOP THERE THAT COUNTS… RIGHT?)
- CLEAN KITCHEN.
- WATCH LATEST EPISODES OF GREY’S AND PRIVATE PRACTICE (THANK GOODNESS THEY WERE REPEATS, 2 HOURS WON).
- DRIVE TO TYSONS FOR BOOKSHELF (UGGHHHHHH!)
- UNPACK BOOKS
- FIND PLACE FOR MOSES CHAIR (MY FRIENDS HAVE APPROPRIATELY RENAMED MY SQUEAKY ANTIQUE CHAIR THE MOSES CHAIR. WE’RE PRETTY SURE IT’S AS OLD AS HE…)
The list is never ending. And this is supposed to be a time of rest??
Again, I laid in bed. I tried to go back to sleep thinking that maybe if I did, the list that was getting longer and longer would go away. Instead, it made me kick off the covers (yes, I’m that dramatic) and jump start the day. I ran inside. I threw the list out the window for a good four hours and then I started to panic, again.
- GET DRESSED.
- TRY TO GET APPOINTMENT TO GET BANGS TRIMMED…. SHOULD I GET THAT MANICURE?
- WHAT TIME WILL MY RED BOOTS ARRIVE…IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE HOME BEFORE COB IF THEY GET DROPPED OFF AT THE LEASING OFFICE? (OH CRAP, RENT CHECK)
- SHOOT. I NEED TO GO TO PETSMART TOO…SASHA NEEDS MORE FOOD.
This is supposed to be a sabbath. So here is my realization. I’ve spent too much time living in urgency. I can’t really enjoy this, I can’t really call this my sabbath, if my mind is constantly working. It’s not quiet. Not at all. If you entered my thoughts, you’d be overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed. These thoughts make me shake. These thoughts, I swear they make my blood pressure rise. And that pain in the pit of my stomach, it only goes away when I stop thinking, when I’m not moving.
So for today, I was quiet. Well I tried to be quiet. I have friends who challenge me to be quiet for the length of a song. They would have loved me challenging myself. I ran two errands, yes two with no music. Just quiet… no not quiet. I ended up singing. But these were the words I kept singing:
YOU SAID, ASK AND YOU WILL RECEIVE, WHATEVER YOU NEED.
YOU SAID, PRAY AND I’LL HEAR FROM HEAVEN, AND I’LL HEAL YOUR LAND
YOU SAID, YOUR GLORY WILL FILL THE EARTH
LIKE WATER THE SEAS
YOU SAID, LIFT UP YOUR EYES
THE HARVEST IS HERE, THE KINGDOM IS NEARASK AND I’LL GIVE THE NATIONS TO YOU
O LORD, THAT’S THE CRY OF MY HEART
DISTANT SHORES AND THE ISLANDS WILL SEE
YOUR LIGHT, AS IT RISES ON US
Why that song? I was quiet so that God could speak. I was queit so that I could hear. And this song (?!), it’s one that I haven’t sang in years. But it was God saying “Ask. Ask Me, Nicole Marie (because I’m convinced he calls me by my full name). I’ll give you the nations, I’ll provide, so stop trying to do things yourself. My ways are better than your ways. My thoughts better than your thoughts. So just ask.”
I’m asking the following and I’m fully convinced by my unwavering faith that I’ll get answers and responses, not right away, but soon. (I want to add a little note: asking God is not like a chick-fil-a drive through. You have to wait longer…but in the end, I do think God says “My pleasure” when we say “thank you”)
- What career do I pursue? I’m really feeling the writing thing…
- Please let me continue to change lives.
- Please give me love.
- Please provide for me while I have no job. (and I guess afterward too).
- Please continue to take away my urgency. (and oh yeah thanks for already starting. You know what I did today? Four things: got my red boots, went to target, got my bangs trimmed, and paid the rent. Make that five: I felt less urgency.
I don’t need the nations. But I do need Him to hear my prayers. I need to humble myself so that it’s okay to ask. That’s when the glory will fill the earth. The glory is filling me.
