Hey Everyone! For those who don’t know me I am Nicole’s husband, Trey. Well, I mean if you don’t already know me outside of Nicole’s beautiful words or pictures. Nicole mentioned it might be a good idea for me to write about our journey and share it from a man’s perspective, especially since very rarely will you find a man’s perspective depicting the struggles of infertility. Little did she know, I was planning to do it all along. Disclaimer: it’s weird for me to write and put my emotions down but I imagine it will be therapeutic, or at least that’s what it is for Nicole.
So here we go…Currently I am sitting in the waiting room as Nicole goes into surgery to retrieve what we pray will be a lot of healthy and viable eggs (if you don’t know what an egg retrieval is, it’s a procedure where a needle goes through my wife’s cervix to reach her ovaries to find some eggs. Guys- if you want to empathize, image a needle going into your favorite man part for some boys… yeah.)
It feels like I have been doing this a lot lately; sitting and waiting and empathizing as best as I know how. Sitting there watching her cry as she takes all these hormone injections..well standing actually while I am giving them to her but in reality, it feels like I am sitting in the stands and she is doing all the work. I spend the other time waiting; waiting for the injections to work and waiting to start the family we so desperately want. But I know and trust with all my heart that God has a plan for us and will give us that family in his time. Knowing and trusting a God that has been so faithful to us has gotten Nicole and I through this difficult time. Our families and friends (those who know) have been very helpful as well. So I thank you guys!!!
I didn’t know much about infertility a couple years ago but have really learned a lot. I mean, when you think about it, what man does (outside of an OBGYN or an RE–guys, that’s code for reproductive endocrinologist, something I actually just learned today)? I am so amazed at the strength and determination of my wife and all the other women who struggle. I find it takes a special person to fight this battle. I say it takes a “special person” because they not only have to deal with their infertility but also listen to and hear people (friends and family included) saying “it will happen when you least expect it” or “just enjoy having sex” or “you are still young” all of which seem to crush my wife in her own silent way because news flash: THIS IS A MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS. Believe me, and even though my mom is reading this and probably already crying, we do enjoy the sex! But I repeat, this is not a “wait and see” situation, it is a medical diagnosis. While I know people are trying to be supportive and I appreciate that, it is difficult for not just women to hear, but the guys too. If I could, I would gladly take this burden from her a hundred times over. It’s hard for us guys to sit and watch our women’s hearts drop over and over again at the miseducated and uninformed “knowledge” of infertility and this struggle.
But man, I’d be lying if I didn’t say infertility sucks! It sucks because like I already said, a lot of people don’t understand it and it’s not that they aren’t sympathetic..it’s that they don’t realize the affects of their words at all in these sensitive situations. When Nicole decorated our room, someone took one look at it and said, “Why can’t you make a baby in here?!” It’s not the motive of people that hurts us, but rather the kind ignorance to the pain of infertility. But I was one of those people a few years ago too..so I can’t fault them.
I sit on these sidelines witnessing in amazement the number of “special” women that go through this alone. It really has been amazing (and not in a good way) to see so many who are going to appointments alone and a lot of times I am the only man at these clinics. We know that my job is a huge blessing because not only do I have the freedom to attend every appointment, every day, but I also have a supportive boss who tells us he is praying for us all the time. I don’t say that to get a pat on the back, but rather to say that men NEED to find a way to step up. God teaches us that marriage is sacrificial in every way– if He’s calling you in the most blatant way, this is how. It doesn’t matter what the infertility diagnosis is, we are in this together and it should come natural for us to be there with our wives. It’s a non-negotiable.
Ok..I’m getting off my soap box.
We have been blessed with so many nephews/nieces and many other kids through our volunteering time at CPC and other churches. We really are blessed to have so many young hearts in our lives. We thank God all the time for the opportunity to love each of his children so sacrificially. But for the first time ever, I am going to be honest and say, that is not enough. And I haven’t even told Nicole that! I want to be a father and share my heart with a son or daughter. I want to play catch and watch the Cowboys with my son or watch my daughter play with barbies as she grows into a beautiful young lady.
I have strong faith in the Lord and I try to lead us with every fiber of my being into a stronger relationship with him, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t screamed at him a lot over the past couple years. Nicole and I have both cried many tears and asked him “why us” or “why would you deprive two faithful people who have such a strong heart the opportunity to raise a child into your kingdom!?!?” But having such a foundational faith, we know that we are going to be parents someday.
We also believe that God has chosen us because he knows how strong we are and wants us to be a voice for infertility. I’ll admit when she shared this peace she was finally realizing, I wasn’t excited about going “public” in this realm. But to see the outpour and impact that Nicole’s last post and Instagram stories have encouraged, I know we can no longer be quiet about our sad hearts. I don’t know exactly how yet, but I will no longer be quiet about our struggles or journey because it needs more voices. Maybe that means I’ll be making more appearances here. Maybe it means I’ll be telling all the expectant and struggling dad’s I know to “be there.” What ever it is, I vow here, to all of you, I will not be quiet!
I said it before and I’ll say it for the rest of my life– infertility sucks but there is no one else I would rather do it with.
Have I said how amazing my wife is?!? She has been carrying this infertility monkey on her back for a while and still has time to operate a successful business (public thanks to Erin even though I’m still the BYP CEO), run our household, take care of me, grieve Robert’s death, and very easily transitioned into taking care of her mom amidst family strife. She really is superwoman! We may cry and scream in sadness, but we love each other and love and trust our God. I wear a bracelet on my wrist everyday with my favorite Bible verse: Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” God has chosen us to walk this road and I can honestly say that I am stronger today than I was yesterday or the day before because of it. HE is and always will be there to guide and shape my life, our lives.
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I wanted so badly to take a picture with my bad-ass, over achiever wife when she came out of the procedure. She said “But, I don’t feel like smiling.” I do, because I’m really proud of her, all the time.
We’re home now and she’s resting while I finish this up. God gave us 37 eggs and for the record, my wife has the most beautiful ovaries I have ever seen (not that I’ve seen any others but still, those are some gorgeous ovaries). But yes, I said 37 EGGS!!!! I did say that my wife is Superwoman, right!?!? But because I know some couples might not have 37 eggs in their retrieval, I want to be sensitive to you and call you superwoman too– it only takes one.
I want to end with this. Please continue to pray for us and pray that Nicole will recover quickly because she is in A LOT of pain and still at risk for some complications as a result of being an overachieving egg producer; I guess that crazy paleo “lifestyle change” she has us on really has been working. Please pray that those eggs will be mature enough to fertilize and leave us with some beautiful, viable babies (or as science calls them, embryos) so that we can implant when God says it’s time. And guys- step up. It doesn’t matter if you’re battling infertility or not. God gave us these gifts in our wives, find some ways to love them a little more than you already do. Our marriage has grown so much because of it!
Love you guys and thank you for allowing me to bomb Nicole’s page 🙂 This was pretty cool….maybe I will write again soon!
Signing off for now,
Trey (aka the Leader of the Happily Ever Bresslers)
